You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
