if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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