if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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