We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
