Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
