im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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