I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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