I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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