I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize