Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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