You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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