I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
