I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
