Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
