i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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