I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
