Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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