is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
