You're my little dorito
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
