I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
