He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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