I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
