Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
