If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
