Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
