I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
