My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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