Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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