Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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