she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
