im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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