I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
