you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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