the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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