I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize