Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
