i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
