i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
