Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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