Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
