His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
