I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
