Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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