I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
