I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
