I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
