the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
