i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
