Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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