Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Actions speak louder than pants.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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