I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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