I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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