Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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