someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
