omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
