I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
