i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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