you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
