So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize