yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
