Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's never too late to be topless.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
