at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
