This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need to calm my uterus...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
