Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
