maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Randomize
